ElfriedaWrite a message
- What is my age:
- I am 54
- My hair:
- Bushy ash-blond hair
- What I prefer to drink:
- Mulled wine
- What is my favourite music:
Welcome to my website! If you want to find out more, check out my books and zines which cover this topic in more depth. If you like this, please do consider supporting my Patreon. Some people are into all of the things listed under BDSM, and some only some of them.
How to be a loving dominant
First thing to consider is that domination itself is not a specific act but more of a context on how that act is applied. That being said domination can range the entire spectrum of everything sexual from pillow talk to things that could be considered torture in any other context.
For the purpose of this guide, your safety, and not scaring you away I will start with the most gentle stuff and move on up. This way while reading this, just like in the bedroom, you can go only as far as you feel comfortable with and stop. Before we get to far there are a few things to consider. Most of you may know this already but for those exploring this for the first time may of the things beyond this point run the risk of causing discomfort both emotional and physical. First you and your partner need to discuss these things and define your comfort zone.
This comfort zone is not a goal for you to overcome. Domination is not about abuse, your goal is not to force your partner beyond their limits.
When you disrespect those boundaries you disrespect that trust. You can always discuss new boundaries or ask for permission to do more. Taking things a step to far can lead to ruining the whole thing for your partner.
This may very well mean no second chance. This however is not the only thing you should be aware of. Not all problems are so clear cut even for the sub. You should make an effort to be aware of s of them being uncomfortable or anxious. The situation may be salvageable or it may be time to end the session. When the safeword is used that means the session is over. You may discuss what went wrong but do not attempt to. The safeword is the all stop last resort. After this you need to comfort your partner making sure this is not seen as a failure.
This may be a learning experience but it is absolutely not a mistake. Your partner needs to be comfortable using the safeword.
They cannot do that if they feel doing so is the same as them failing you. Something that cannot be stressed enough is to consider that your partner is not the same as all others. This is a guide not a tutorial meaning you should use this as a means to seed ideas but not as a step by step how-to. Some things on the gentle list may be off limits to you even though some more advanced or more aggressive things are great for you.
So enough of my rambling. You want to get to the details, right? Well to bad here they are. Now I suppose you want some more aggressive options huh? I feel obligated to draw your attention back to the safeword and other similar safety content at the top. So are you satisfied with all of these ideas?
Have you had your fill? If you had you would not have made it this far nor would you still be reading. After a session has come to an end regardless of how or why it ended you should spend some time with your partner. Calming, communicating, cuddling, or whatever is available. Many of the tasks above are taxing and exhausting both mentally and physically.
Speaking bdsm: a glossary of terms used to describe bdsm
Some calm bonding time to wind down is a big deal that should not be neglected. Next time around add more of the former and drop some of the latter. Every successive session should build upon the one before it.
Before We Begin Before we get to far there are a few things to consider. Use them! Grab them by the chin, the sides of the face, or the back of the neck and kiss them like your survival depends upon it.
Run your fingers through their hair. Stroke their scalp slowly for a bit then take ahold of their hair giving it just a bit of a tug. You can use it as a handle to gently steer then in the direction you want to look. It could be at you, or you could even turn them around so you can get in behind them. Grope them.
The kinky tendency you might not realize you have
Not like you are trying to be sly about what you are touching. Grope them like you are claiming what you are grabbing. Lean in as you do and say something like. Against the wall, on the bed, bent over a table or counter, on the couch or table.
Even the floor if nothing sturdy is nearby.
Pin their arms either above their head or to their sides. Maintain control of their hands with one of yours. This may prove more difficult if you are female and your partner is male given they will usually be stronger than you. Grind up against them.
Dominant and submissive relationships – top 10 rules to follow
Taunt them a bit by telling them they did this to you. Light scratching and spanking is a good way to keep the shock value up. The scratching is not about leaving marks, or inflicting pain. Spanking should be seen in a similar light. You are not out to inflict pain or cause harm, however with spanking you should not be afraid to leave some temporary marks. Spankings should be alternated with rubbing.
Give them a good smack then rub it to sooth it. Your mouth belongs on everything. There is no part of your body which you can inflict more excitement or arousal with than your mouth. Even if the place you choose that is not inherently sexually sensitive biting will still have the same effect, just larger, as the scratching did earlier. Both with the idea of teasing them and drawing it out, or inflicting orgasm upon them multiple times you can use this in several ways.
The other end of the spectrum is to TELL your partner when they are going to cum. This typically involves knowing your partner well enough to tell when they are ready. You might look like a fool if you tell your partner you are going to make them cum now then spent two minutes working hard to make your statement true. Then you get to decide, are you going to make them orgasm again? There is no need to be patient.
Rules & definition of a dominant submissive relationship
If you are wanting something swift and quick, or you want it to have the swift and quick feeling feel free to skip some traditional steps. If there is something you can lift, push aside, or just reach into then do that. Always keep talking. Sure I gave a less than exciting lecture about communication at the beginning but this is not the same thing. When you have them by the hair and you are directing them around tell them what to do even though you are already physically making them do it.
When you are pleasuring your partner talk dirty to them. Ask them what they think about what you are doing, ask them how they feel about what you are doing.
Not only does this keep their mind in the game but it keeps them from being able to predict or anticipate what you will do next allowing it to be a greater surprise and have a greater effect. Do not forget to make your partner pleasure you.
Just because you are dominating the situation does not mean you are the only one being active. Steer your partner to the floor while you tell them to pleasure you. If your partner is laying on their back walk around so you are over their face and tell them to those cute sounds they are making to good use. A good way of keeping them engaged can be to keep them busy too. Gagging is a great and common one yet easy to improvise.
This weakens their position putting them even more at your mercy but it also nullifies the concept of a safeword. If you take this route you will need to have an alternative al in place putting a greater need on you to pay attention. Bondage; such a big broad topic and likely the largest stereotypical activity aside from spankings.