Mellie

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Information

  • Years old:
  • 43
  • My sex:
  • Lady
  • What I like to listen:
  • Folk

About

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Description

To say my husband and I have lived a fairy tale life — and had a fairy tale relationship — would be an understatement.

I met Jason in the fall ofwhen he was 11 and I was We spoke regularly and often: about cartoons, the Yankees, music, and Stephen King. We sat together in art class, and he always made me laugh in science class. Mainly about the teacher or our peers.

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And when the Halloween dance came around that October, I asked him to go with me. We swayed slowly to songs about grownup love. We began dating inat the beginning of our senior year. We moved in together in We both attended college in Philadelphia and thought sharing an apartment would be ideal.

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There were no RAs, roommates, or rules. We could — more or less — do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. We wed in the fall of And while our relationship has always been warm and comfortable — we formed a friendship first, and that has been the foundation of our bond, our connection and our love — things changed in my 30s. I needed to be with women.

But im married

I believed we would grow old together — and always be together. So when these thoughts began to creep into my mind, I ignored them.

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I silenced my wants. I ignored my sexual desiresand I rationalized my feelings. But the more I tried to ignore these thoughts, the more they consumed me. I became angry and apathetic, downtrodden and depressed.

I’m a queer woman and i’m married to a man

I became frustrated, by sex and with myself, and I spent many nights alone, crying myself to sleep. But still I pushed on.

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In silence. This, I decided, was my lot.

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This was my life. Plus, I had and still have a loving husband and two children, and while my house lacks a white picket fence, I have the perfect life.

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He asked what that meant, for him and for us, and I said nothing. He began sending me graphic images of women and stories of erotic couplings aka lesbian porn.

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But the word felt icky. My newfound identity was off-putting. I was a woman who really loved women. Today, I identify as queer. I am still married and unsure how to proceed.

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I do not want to lose my children or my best friend, but in the process I am losing myself. Every single day, I lose myself.

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The shame continues. I feel lost and completely alone. And I am angry at myself, because my husband is hurting because of me. I feel I have to choose: his happiness and the happiness of my family or mine.

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And that is the worst feeling in the world. The good news — if there is good news — is that I have an amazing therapist and psychiatrist. I have a few very supportive friends, friends who have been where I am. Who know exactly how I feel. And that is comforting.

But im married

We are navigating new waters, without a compass or a guide. But we will keep going. We will keep talking, even when the words are hard to say and even when they are harder to hear. And we will figure this out together. Because I married my soulmate.

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My best friend. And while my sexual desires have changed, my husband remains that person. We use cookies to collect information from your browser to personalize content and perform site analytics. Visit our Privacy Policy for more info.

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