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This classification privileges the role of self-definition. In coming out, gay people integrate, as best as they can, dissociated aspects of the self. As gay people must decide on a daily basis whether to reveal and to whom they will reveal, coming out is a process that never ends. In the jargon of contemporary homosexual culture, those who hide their sexual identities are referred to as either closeted or said to be in the closet. Revealing one's homosexuality is referred to as coming out. Clinical experience with gay patients reveals hiding and revealing behaviors to be psychologically complex.


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What happens if you and your partner aren't "out" to the same degree? Story highlights Some same-sex partners are out with family, for instance, but not at work When one partner doesn't publicly acknowledge being gay, it can cause problems A person's past may provide the key to staying closeted.

Between celebratory parades for Pride Month and increased calls for marriage equality, it would seem that, for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered community, things are indeed getting better. But what happens if you're in relationship with a partner who just isn't comfortable being "out" with his or her sexual identity? Does the desire to keep your sexuality private create tension, or can an LGBT couple still succeed when one person isn't ready to go public?

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I recently asked some of my colleagues for their insight on this issue. That may not always pose a problem for couples, but it can certainly be an issue when one partner doesn't publicly acknowledge being homosexual at all. Ian Kerner.

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Such emotions can simmer, creating tension for even the happiest couples. There are any of reasons why a partner may not feel comfortable coming out: "My experience has been that the majority of couples are usually on the same ," therapist Dennis Holly said. More Videos A day in the life of same-sex marriage Ben Carson: I love gay people This can result in internalized homophobia -- and can have lasting effects when that person is in a relationship.

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Can straight couples learn from same-sex relationships? It feels somehow like the invisibility is also a tacit agreement that, 'Yes, we have something to be ashamed of; society is right, our relationships are defective and so are we.

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It's no wonder, then, that relationships can be challenging for someone who isn't comfortable addressing his or her sexual identity. So what should you do if you're in a relationship with a closeted partner?

Coming out -- as a couple

The first step is to remember that coming out is a continual process, not a single event, psychotherapist Kathleen Del Mar Miller said. Recognize that your ificant other's coming-out process may be very different than yours -- and that's OK. It can help for the closeted partner to articulate his or her concerns.

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Michigan psychotherapist Joe Kort agrees. Are you truly at risk for being judged and rejected by others? If it's the latter, you can work together as a couple to protect and insulate your relationship from outside threats. Are you 'normal' in bed?

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Martinez added, "Once you identify the potential problems caused by one partner remaining closeted, you can determine if coming out is a necessity for the relationship or if there are alternative ways of thinking, behaving or feeling that could help meet those needs. But, Martinez said, the partner "was able to eventually meet his need of feeling included in the family by paying more attention to caring letters he would receive from the partner's children, the words of affection from his partner's mother and the personal invitations to family-only events from the partner's brother.

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By viewing you and your partner as a team, you can work together to address the complexities of being out -- or not -- and put your relationship first.

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Cody DeHaan does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.


Same-sex intimate partner violence IPV lacks mainstream news media coverage.


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